I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
why do cheetos always look like penises
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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