The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
