How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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