I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
