no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
