Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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