I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
