Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
