sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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