if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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