if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
And then he peed in my hair
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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