I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
my poor anus
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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