Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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