Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
