I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
what is it with giant penises always finding me
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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