I hate your face
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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