Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
