if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
