Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
