I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
