I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My feet surprised me
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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