I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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