You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
