It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
