You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
