How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
