i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
