He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Text me some of your sweat
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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