you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
