please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
