My sheets look like a crime scene.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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