dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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