I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
