I didn't shave. On purpose
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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