Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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