Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
