Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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