I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
