I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
