I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
