Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
