guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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