just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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