She's JV to your varsity
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
