Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
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It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
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Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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