cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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