Your face is a jimmy john
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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