Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
