yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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