I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
