How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
