what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just gift wrapped bread.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
