There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
