Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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