Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
