I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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