There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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