you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
being pregnant is like rehab
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
