I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
