you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
