she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
