New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
