my phone needs a breathalizer
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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