What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
