Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
