I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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